It was a regular Wednesday night at home. Jason paused for a while in speaking to chew his dinner. Without any hesitation I grabbed that moment of silence to blurt out, “I don’t like to push through with your idea.”
Earlier that day I was just about to put my life in order after coming out of the hospital. While I contemplated the list of urgent things I needed to accomplish this July both for my work and our work, Jason left me with tasks of texting a supplier and researching a business he wanted to explore. He also expected immediate feedback when he came home from work. Upon hearing this “urgency” I kind of felt annoyed. I processed that I just came out of the hospital and here he was giving me work and telling me what to do (on top of our July lineup of work).
Although the simple task that day wasn’t taxing (it was just texting + other things 😛 ), I was annoyed at the “urgency” of his mini-project on top of all the pending projects. Though I was annoyed inside, I tried to be a dutiful wife and went on and accomplished his request. When he came home, I gave him feedback and he told me he appreciated what I did. I didn’t acknowledge his appreciation because I was still upset inside.
Over dinner I felt compelled to tell him how I feel. So when he was quiet for a moment I expressed (with very much self-control I felt), “What is this new project you want me to do? I thought we had plans? Why is that all of a sudden you’re not following through with our plans?” I appeared very diplomatic and logical to him that he admitted to not being considerate of me and decided to postpone the project. He just thought that I might be bored at home while recovering, that he was just thinking of me, it required minimal work and at the same time it would compliment his business.
It could have ended there.
But the moment he apologized and admitted, I felt so victorious that I went on, rubbed it in and gave him a piece of my mind. Whenever I recall what I told him I want to hide under the covers. I remember telling him “Did you consider if I would like this project? Why didn’t you ask me first? If you think it would require very minimal work why don’t you do it then?” When I remember that instance I am appalled at myself for my audacity to blurt out those words and be disrespectful to my husband. I’m not proud of it but I know that moment I failed to be a good wife to him. Though I was overwhelmed with the July list of work (and I’m not even a mother yet!), I shouldn’t have used that emotion to fire away. Unfortunately he wasn’t bulletproof so he got wounded with my bullets.
After so many months of living in peace and quiet, it was once again external peace and internal noise. It’s true when Joy Tan-chi Mendoza said that we can’t pray and stay angry with our spouse. Over daily meal times or quiet times we are convicted to pray and face God. But it just struck me as hypocritical and insincere to pray to God giving thanks for the blessing and his provision and then refusing to reconcile with my husband after. It was just not right.
The following morning after a day of silence we got to talk and I apologized for being disrespectful to him. It was not right that I should feel entitled in every situation for him to check my opinions before making a decision. Jason checking my opinions always is not the standard.
The things I learned and am reminded of in that instance were:
1. The biblical principle is for us wives to submit to our husband as to the Lord.
Ephesians 22-24 22Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
(There is a continuation to that but we can always check the context of that in the succeeding and preceding verses. more of that in another entry)
If God asks me to do something, it just sounds weird and downright disrespectful for me to tell Him the same things I told my husband. What I tell my husband somehow reflects my submission to God’s will and plans in my life. God’s plans may be different from ours and when we see the difference is it right for us to say, “I’m not happy God, did you ask me if I would like that plan?” because that’s what I just told my husband.
Well it’s not right.
When it comes to Jason, I feel that if he checks my opinions I should be grateful. But if he doesn’t, I should not demand that he checks with me.
2. Husbands / Fathers continue to have ideas to provide for the family (unless something happens otherwise / discouraged to do so)
Along that week after much observation, it dawned on me that husbands and fathers dream a lot. They dream for their family and they have many ideas (whatever age and background they are in or come from) on how to turn these dreams into a reality. My job as a wife is to support these dreams. Sometimes it just seems overwhelming to me but my job is to submit unto God and ask Jason, “How can I help you achieve it?”.
I need to trust my husband more that he knows me, knows my potential and knows that he won’t give me something I can’t do. Or I need to trust that I can always ask him for guidance but ask him properly and with respect.
I’ve observed that my aunt is a good example of supporting my uncle’s ideas. She would often pitch in a word or two on how nice the new projects would be. Though there are times it won’t go as planned, my aunt was the best support system my uncle could have. She would be proud of his work and tell of his future projects. They are around 30 years married already.
3. My husband is inspired to work and achieve when I support him
Jason would tell me that he gets excited when I support him. That when I help make things happen, it inspires him to work and achieve more. He would often tell me before that he isn’t confident with public speaking but whenever I encourage him and empower him with honest feedback and cheer him on, it would inspire him to do his best.
I noticed that he would be raring to take on the task when I support him compared to the the times when I ask too much questions and be negative about it. At times the projects and ideas won’t push through though help I might. But my role as a wife, as his partner in everything is to help him and keep pushing him to be and do his best.
To encourage as if I’ve never been discouraged, to hope as if I’ve never been failed, and to expect the good as if I’ve never been disappointed… all by God’s grace.