In 2013 when we got married we were advised to start conceiving after a year or two. But a lot of things has happened since then.
I had a major surgery back in 2014
and a minor surgery in 2015.
2017 – Jason’s surgery
After 4 years of trying to conceive, we had to check on Jason after my procedures were done. We found out that he had to undergo surgery too due to Varicocele (this condition produces abnormal and unhealthy sperms). We prayed and fasted at the start of the year and we decided to push thru with the procedure. It was sometime in February 2017 that Jason underwent surgery. I praise God that He enabled me to be in a job that was flexible. It was challenging to do both Jason’s work and my work but I really thank God that He prepared us for this challenge. I saw how we were able to cooperate, to be patient with one another and to be understanding. But we are still growing in these areas.
After the Varicocele surgery, we wanted to just enjoy this whole process. And I know it is because of God that we are having joy and peace. Sure we would long for a child, and we will do what we had to do but this time I told Jason, I’m enjoying this journey with him as we went home smelling of herbal teas from a Chinese herbal clinic.
We opted for Eastern medication like acupuncture and Chinese herbal tea since we are diagnosed “The unexplainable” with the doctors we consulted.
I haven’t tried those and I’m excited actually. The acupuncturist and herbalist diagnosed me differently. In acupuncture, I was said to have a cold uterus and I needed to drink warm water and coffee was a no-no. In the herbalist’s clinic, I was said to have a warm uterus and my tongue indicated I had poor health and my kidney was weak and so was Jason’s.
In my first acupuncture session they said I would sleep soundly! But I barely slept a wink and was tossing and turning the whole night! I poked Jason and he was sleeping soundly. Ang sarap ng tulog! I just looked at him in disdain. hahaha. Di daw kasi ako Chinese that’s why walang effect. GANUN! hahaha :p I reported this to the acupuncturist on our next session and she told me she probably touched some nerves that gave me too much energy.
After the second session, I still couldn’t sleep. We asked how long should we do these sessions? She said until I get pregnant. engks! It was expensive and what if if took us 3 years. Then this would be draining our pockets with no actual diagnosis and we wouldn’t know what we were curing in my body.
We moved to the herbalist next and this time we had to boil tea for 45 minutes in the morning and at night. Our house smelled like burnt leaves. I would meet my clients and my perfume would be Chinese herbal tea. After 2 weeks, Jason decided to discontinue because his tea really tasted AWFUL (for a Chinese used to drinking teas. hmp :p ) To be honest I was getting used to the taste and I didn’t mind waking up early morning to boil both our teas. But it was the same.. we needed to continue doing this until we get pregnant, not to mention it was more costly than the acupuncture. We thought it would be less expensive. 😛 Sana acupuncture nalang.
SERVING WHILE WAITING
In the midst of all this, we decided to serve together and prepare to partner in discipling kids through sports!
We also began serving God in Kids church while we waited on Him. I am so glad with the opportunity! It is an answered prayer that I get to serve alongside my husband. I remember when I got married in 2013, I keep telling my single friends that I regret not being able to serve God. Of course when you get married, time gets limited with wife duties / family duties / work duties. Years after, I was so happy that God still honored that desire and may bonus pa, I was with my husband.
It was a fun season for us. One by one our D12 mates were getting pregnant and I couldn’t be any happier for them! Back when we got married and after my painful surgeries, when I heard news about people getting pregnant it caused me joy and pain. But this time I can say I was really truly happy for these people who have grown to be my friends. I was excited and kilig with their journey. They also had their time of waiting on God and finally God has blessed them.
It gave me hope that one day, in God’s perfect time and in His own perfect way, we will also cry and rejoice and be expecting our child as we wait on Him.
We planned for Korea for honeymoon on November 2017, booked and all. If we still wouldn’t have a child, then we would just keep adding to our adventure book and travel. We also went to visit my OB one more time since my mid-cycle bleeding has returned that year and we wanted to check if it could be hormonal / my polyps have grown again.
SEPTEMBER 2017 – CHECKING WITH OUR OB AGAIN
So we went back to my OB to report about my situation. I got my thyroid test done and was negative for hypo/hyperthyroid. Still our doctor couldn’t explain why we couldn’t conceive. It seems as if we were healthy already but couldn’t diagnose our situation. I was given another dose of Clomid and a shot of follicle stimulating hormone in my belly, and of course it was recommended we set aside time to be intimate with one another.
During that “get busy” week I still had my mid-cycle bleed that never left me! and I remember the story of the hemorrhaging woman in the bible. As she touched Jesus, she was healed and her faith has healed her. How i prayed that God would stop this bleed and heal me and would open up my barren womb.
We tried to schedule our intimate times but it was really difficult because we also had our commitments in work and activities. On our “appointment day” something came up and we got so swamped and we had to let it go and just try the next day. To be honest, I got mildly irritated for a split second but then resigned that if it is God’s will, no matter the day, hour or minute! it will happen for us.
We then went back to our regular routine – having our coffee morning dates, our work out at the gym (we even got a trainer because we were training for a 15-21KM run) and eating! 😀
Sometime September though I noticed something a bit different, but I concluded and even wrote down in my journal that my period could be coming.
Sharing with you my personal journal.
Days leading to October 10, 2017, these verses stuck to me.
Proverbs 10:24 The fears of the wicked will all come true; so will the hopes of the godly
Proverbs 10:28 The hopes of the godly result in happiness, but the expectations of the wicked are all in vain
John 16:24 You haven’t done this before. Ask, using my name, and you will receive and your joy will be complete.
Every time I have my devotion / quiet time with God we ask Him to prepare us to be godly parents that He wants us to be. That I would be able to conceive in His perfect time. Then these verses came to me.
Will I be having my period this time or will I not? I was feeling some things but of course I can’t be sure. I’ve had a delayed period several times but resulted in a negative pregnancy test. This time I was still feeling some cramps and other things. I kept my hopes up and I stumbled upon the following verses in Proverbs. Both say that the hopes of the godly will come true, and will result in happiness. But at the same time the fears and expectations of the wicked will come true.
I pondered on this and told myself, “Siguro if I still have a negative pregnancy test, maybe there is still wickedness in me that needs a heart surgery, that I need the Holy Spirit to reveal and transform in me”. (ni-literal???) Ouch. How did God see me? Was there going be another test for me on humility?
I praise God for my husband, my spiritual leader, that not once did his faith waver. He was steadfast in his belief that God will give us a child naturally. He always assured me of this and I do not know how he can be so sure? But maybe a long time ago a vision was planted in him of having a family and he holds this promise close to his heart. That no matter what happened he believed.
I was expecting my period on October 1 but maybe because we had a family outing and my routine was off, it did not arrive as I anticipated it! A few days after it still hasn’t arrived. Well it didn’t happen the first time. I’ve had cycles where my period would arrive on my 39th day when it was supposed to be between 29-35.
I told Jason 3 days after my missed period if I should take a home pregnancy test. He said jokingly “wag na muna. sayang. pag 1 month na and wala parin, magtake ka na..” Wow tagal naman? 😛 Anyway… I understand him. I’ve wasted a lot of HPT’s – as soon as day 1 is missed I instantly take a pregnancy test just to find out that my period will arrive later that day…
Anyway, I still had 2 pregnancy tests at home. We always stocked up in hopes that one day, one cycle I would get to see my own two red lines and not just in google. I prayed that if it is God’s will He will allow us to experience unconditional love and love our own child the way He loves us. I decided to take one after a week of missed period.
We were scheduled to go to the Korean embassy on October 10, Wednesday early early morning to apply for our Korean visa.
I woke up around 4:45 AM bringing the pregnancy test with me to the bathroom. As I collected my urine and dropped it on the test I sat sleepily on the toilet to wait. As the color creeped slowly, one line appeared and after a few more seconds… another red line showed up. What is this?? Was I dreaming? Did this come from my pee??
If only I could tell you how I trembled and cried and praised God for this seed of life growing inside of me. To experience this miracle, it was the happiest morning..
I took a shower quickly and when Jason saw the pregnancy kit on our bin, he asked me Kamusta? in his neutral voice. He was also concerned about me that he will not show disappointment and be as neutral as possible with his reaction. He was so used to me shaking my head and saying “Negative, we can try again next time…”
This time I ignored him (padrama effect!) I hid the PT in the other room and got my phone. Of course this merits a documentation!
I cried, we hugged, and got ready to go. Praying and thanking God in the car on the way to the embassy.
Through it all, nothing compares to the joy and the experience of knowing God more in this journey. Of being comforted by Him, of being assured by Him through His words and promises, of knowing that we can have hope because He hears us and loves us.
Looking back there are a lot of things I was taught leading to this pregnancy…
- Be my best wherever God brings me / leads me. My worth is not my ability to produce children. You are a woman, a child of God and gifted by Him with unique abilities that only you can do. There was a time that I did feel tired about waiting and putting my life on hold waiting for something I wasn’t sure would happen. But a question was left in my heart, What was I doing with what God has given me at the moment and where He has placed me? As a wife, was I striving to be my best? In my work, was I working at it with all of my heart? Was I pleasing God?
- Serve God and seek His will. What am I doing while waiting? Were my intentions pure? Even if I am not a mom yet, was I preparing to be the mother He wants me to be? and What does God want me to know about myself and Himself during this time of waiting?
- Do our part. We had our part and God has a part… We were convicted to do what we can naturally. This 2017 we excused ourselves from the organizations we joined so we can sleep early. We used to sleep around 11 pm / 12 midnight. But that year we made it a habit to be in bed by 8pm. We also became diligent with working out and eating healthy – cutting back on sweets and junk food (for me). I was now eating oatmeal (which I hated) during breakfast. We also sought ways to cleanse our system may it be herbal tea. Really Jason would agree that my lifestyle has drastically changed – from just popping anything I see to eat in my mouth to being conscious, and from hating any physical activity to having fun sweating it out! (sorry I just had to insert this, I was not really into healthy stuff but by God’s grace He is convicting me that I should be a good steward of this body). Also we went for check ups to make sure that our systems are okay.
- Surrender our desire to God. God knows what we want even before we admit it to ourselves. Sometimes we tend to deny our real wants and desires but God knows it already. However much I wanted to control things and set a timeline, God knows what it is best for me at this moment. He understands me and yet His will is perfect. He loves us so much that maybe sometimes giving in to our desire will do more harm than good for us. When He enabled me to surrender my desire to Him, He just made this story more beautiful than I can imagine and even imagine to write about.
5. Nothing can stop the will of God. During this season of waiting I have come to know a lot of women who shared with me a lot of seemingly impossible situations on conceiving. Be it one ovary, blocked fallopian tubes, having myoma, having cyst, a degenerating uterus and yet when God said it is time, nothing is impossible with Him. During our conception, I still had my mid cycle bleeds which I still don’t know the cause of, and yet the conception happened at God’s appointed time.
I thank God and praise Him for this journey. Truly the blessing of waiting is God Himself. And I know that this child, He has given and not on our own effort and strength. No matter what herbal tea, acupuncture, medication and condition. As a beloved pastor said, this is just the beginning. Even in my Pru Life uk business, yes we are entering the looooongest stage in our lives. It is daunting but I am also excited to receive His promise, and what God has in store for us.
If I could summarize what God has been teaching me and then God’s command in the days ahead for this chapter in my life and the next, it would be in Deuteronomy 8:1-6
8 Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the Lord promised on oath to your ancestors. 2 Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. 4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.
6 Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him.
If you are still waiting on God for this blessing, i would like to pray for you and encourage you that God can be trusted and He keeps His promises. We don’t know the reason why He gives, why He withholds but He is good and He desires what is best for us at this time. It will not be easy but give your burden to God, He cares for you. Our life is just so short, may we all experience the joy of coming to know Him truly in this lifetime.